Category Archives: Personal

I’m finally back!

Wow, well it’s been quite some time since I have updated my site. I want to sincerely apologize! My laptops charger and battery gave out on me, and I didn’t have the money to replace it, BUT my father brought me a new laptop for my birthday so I can finally continuously update everyday again.

It’s been a very stressful couple of months! I had finally found a job and was hired in November. Just this week I was recently suspended from my job at Chipotle Mexican Grill and was placed in a new drug treatment program due to my own safety. So let me being to tell you… I started my new job just last week. I had missed one day of training on Thursday (12/12) due to a problem that came up at my program. I was on line waiting for the program to open up and there was drugs everywhere! Benzos and heroin to be exact. There were kids on line with their parents, and all this drug use and buying/selling was going on! I don’t appreciate someone banging a bag of dope right in front of me, so I called him out and reported him to security. (Along with the drug dealer too.) Everyone started to riot and get out of control. They called me a snitch, a rat, they said they were going to slice my throat, I was going to die, they went as far as saying they would kill my kids and I would have to watch it all happen. It was complete and utter CHAOS.

I felt like I had to say something though. I knew it would happen, but everyone keeps their mouth shut, and it keeps on happening. I’m not the one to keep my mouth shut.. what If someone drops a bag or a pill and a child gets it and eats it?! The child may die! I think about things like this. I felt like my own personal recovery was on the line as well. It’s going to keep going on if nobody says anything. It’s not right. I don’t understand how they can enter a treatment facility, but still get high, continuously fail their drug tests, but the clinic still keeps them there.. knowing that they are still using and there’s no end in sight.

I had to take a day of training off, which was Thursday. On Friday I was scheduled for 10am till 3pm. I called my GM and asked if I can come in early so that I can make up for the day I missed and try to catch up. She said ok and scheduled me for 8am. When I went to my program in the morning, I had a bunch of angry addicts waiting for me, so I had to speak to the program director and manager about placing me in a new clinic, and someone escorting me to the train station so that nothing would happen to me, because they were all on kill mode. They wanted me dead for ratting out their dealers. I had to call my GM and tell her I might be up to an hour late. She said it was fine and to come in when I can, and I did. I arrived at my job at 8:15!!! I was ONLY 15 minutes late! She spoke to me and said that I need to handle my personal business first and she will allow me to join the team at a later time. I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t. No warning. No nothing. She said everything was okay and it was fine, but when I arrived and got there it was a totally different story. So I’m unemployed again for who knows how long now. I just want my boys to have a good Christmas, and they will now, but I can’t but them all I wanted to. I need to make some cut backs because of this.

This all happened because I really tried to do something good. I’m totally against selling drugs, using drugs, etc. I’m in recovery now and I don’t want to be bothered by that sort of stuff. Seeing that can make someone in recovery run right back out to the same things and back to active addiction. Oh well, at least I got 2 drug dealers off the street! Almost got killed for doing it, but that’s 2 less dealers East Harlem, NY has to worry about.

So that was my week to hell.

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This is Your Disease Talking

Hello, I am your Disease

I Hate meetings…I Hate higher powers…I Hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.

Allow me to introduce myself, I am the disease of addiction. I Am cunning, baffling, and powerful. That’s Me. I have killed millions and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, haven’t I? Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn’t you call on me? I was there, I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I Love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. When you can’t feel anything at all.

This is true gratification. And all that I ask from you is long term suffering. I’ve been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life. People don’t take me seriously. They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes, they take seriously. Fools.

Without my help these things would not be possible. I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace. More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have all types of programs. Your program, Your meeting, Your higher power. All of these things weaken me, and I can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don’t see me but I am
growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live I may only exist. But I am here…

And until we meet again, If we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.

So I asked my son a question..

I asked my son, “How do you feel now that Mommy is in recovery?” and this was his answer..

“It feels good that you’re in recovery. It’s really nice because now we get to spend way more time together as a family. I don’t cry anymore because you don’t pick us up. You’re becoming a really good Mother because you buy us everything we need and some things we want… like a 3DS and a PS Vita.  I’m really proud of my you because we have fun, we go to the park, and you’re sober.”

Recovery has given me a lot. Most importantly, my children.
It’s given me the opportunity to work on my relationship with them, and be the mother I was blessed with being. Even when things get rough, I remember something my son told me early in recovery.. that all I need is them, they’ll make me happy when things get rough, and they’re right. They’re ALL I need to get by.

Some new ideas!

I’ve had a wonderful morning so far.. I brought up A Recovery Story so that my peers can check it out and let me know what they think & one gave me an idea for the site. So I’m going to add information about interventions.. from planning to tips and suggestions. I know it’s very hard to sit there and watch a loved one play russian roulette with their lives with drugs and alcohol. I too have been watching someone very close to me nearly drink himself to death, and I felt almost hopeless because everything I tried with him just didn’t get through to him. His withdrawals were so bad he was having seizures, and ended up losing his job. Thankfully, that was enough to put him into an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) and he has not had a drink for 2 weeks now. Yesterday was his birthday and he didn’t drink! It’s so nice to have my friend back! So I’ve been on both sides of the fence when it comes to substance abuse and recovery.

Another idea I brought up to the group was starting a TV show called “A Recovery Story”. The title is pretty self explanatory… people telling their stories of getting clean and staying sober. They think it’s a wonderful idea. I do too! I’m going to start it as a YouTube channel first. I’ll promote it and see how it goes from there. Hopefully it does good so I can link up with a production company to get it broadcast on television.